The internet has recently become upsettingly preachy; I can’t move for articles with titles like “50 New Year’s resolutions EVERYONE should make”, “300 (expensive and/or tiring) things you have to do in 2015 if you don’t want to be a MASSIVE LOSER,” and “Quick, do something vaguely ethical and instagram-friendly NOW because the unstoppable march of time is hot on your heels!! You’re ageing!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”
I appreciate that all these revoltingly sincere, guilt-inducing clichés are well-intentioned but, as the other wave of “anti-new-year’s-resolutions” has made abundantly clear, nobody in the history of ever has actually kept all their New Year’s resolutions (unless they were things you were going to do anyway, such as “continue to age”). The first of January is the worst possible time to try and turn your life around – it’s cold, you’re probably hung over, and there’s Christmas food begging to be eaten. The most likely result of deciding to become unfeasibly perfect is the extra dose of self-loathing you’ll be wracked by as you lounge in your messy pit of chocolate wrappers, wine bottles and failure. And let’s face it, nobody needs that.
Instead, I’d suggest that you polish off the mince pies and sherry, replace the diet with a nice baggy jumper – and maybe try not to have too many arguments over the next few days. But let’s not make any grand plans for the next year; after all, today is just another day. Anyway, that’s how I’m going to justify having spent it eating chocolate biscuits and failing to tick anything off my to-do list. Happy 2015.