The twelve days of Christmas 9: The world according to cats

Since my younger brother started uni, our cats have (as far as I can tell) become surrogate children, taking our place as the nurtur-ees of the family. They’ve therefore become more assured than ever that they are, in fact, the centre of the universe. This combination of being even more self-important than your average cat and generally being a bit dim means that they’ve been getting up to all kinds of destructive highjinks. This includes stealing butter, deciding that my carefully sorted papers are actually intended for fighting practice, and commandeering beds, clothes, laptops and open books as special tiny cat-sofas.

When they’re inevitably caught in the act, they either behave as if they’ve done nothing wrong or “hide” behind a towel, curtain or other soft furnishing. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to have grasped the fact that their back end is not invisible, rendering their attempts to blend into the scenery less than successful.

Scan 23

The domestic cat does not always see eye to eye with its human on the purpose of household objects.

Please scroll down for further evidence of the feline criminality afflicting the Lyster household.

A cat in wolf's clothing

A cat in wolf’s clothing

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The very incarnation of evil.

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She might look cute at the moment, but what goes up must come down, and this wardrobe is next to my bed. The cat seems to have decided that the optimal landing point is my stomach. A cat travelling downwards at speed is a surprisingly painful thing to be hit by.

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We all know what you did.

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