It has come to my attention that it’s almost exactly two years since I started this blog (well, its Blogger precedessor), and that this is my 50th post, so I’ve been wracking my brains for a suitably celebratory idea. I was tempted by some kind of compilation, but I’m not sure my fame and fortune has yet reached the point where that is justified. The answer eventually came to me in the form of a recently rediscovered English book from 1999-2000, when I was six, which I find (perhaps unreasonably) hilarious. I don’t actually remember writing the precocious literary masterpieces found within, but sharing them seemed a fitting way to mark two years of writing nonsense on the internet, although I’ll warn you now that there’s some really dark bits – those of a sensitive disposition might want to skip “Sally’s sad saturday”. Here are some letter-for-letter excerpts. If you want to picture them in a more authentic state, imagine nearly all of the lower-case b’s, d’s, g’s, q’s, y’s and p’s being back to front.
My first ever poem (as far as I know)
Cook tooK a looK too See
wat he CooD see
he SAW a BooK
on a HooK
that is Wat he saw.
The gold pen
I was warKing down the roaD when I notisD a Big laBel this is wat it sieD
Be carefol Please taKe me Home maGIC.
Wat cood I Do. Sudenty I fell aSleeP I dreimeD I was bonceng on a Boncey castle. When I WoKe up I FonD my DreuM HaD come trua. When it came to an enD I was saD as ever.
Sally’s saD Saturday
When sally Wocke up on saterday marning. She thort It was gouing to Be a nise Day.
But she couDont finD her…… socks.
She lookeD evrerwere. at last she fond them. then she went to scool whithout eney Breakfast.
It Was harder than ushul. Becouse She was angrey.
After scool she had a frite.
a Burguler haD stole her Best neclase.
She criDe a. lot.
For a Long time.
She closeD her eys. But she emagend (imagined) monsters.
When it was bath time ther was no hot warter so she haD a colD bath. Oh Dear she siaD.
When she went to beD in the MiDole of the niht her mother called her. Oh no she moened crosley. I forgot to mum.
(teacher’s comment: “What a bad day.”)
MiCes unsleepy NihGt.
Some context: I was an even worse insomniac as a child and regularly used to pester Mum and Dad late at night for “a little chat” (or, as I pronounced it, “a little shat.”) I remember this phase, during which I also used to modify my furniture with nail polish and perform other monstrosities such as the makeup faces you may remember from this post. Apparently even at the age of two I was a night terror – I’m told I had a phase where, in the dead of night, I would climb out of my cot and navigate the stairs and concrete floors to go into my parents’ room and stand, silently, in the dark, until one of them woke me up and put me back to bed. I don’t know why the character in the story is called Mice.
One nid nihgt Mice dident Want to go to sleeP.
her MUMMY caMe to say good nihgt to her.
She was fritend of the darK.
then she whent down steirs to tel her Dad he sent her back to bed.
she Puled uP the bed clofes.
then she lOOKed out of the WinDoW. She saw an OWl and screamed the OWl Hooted and flew away.
SHe rolled OVer anD cried she CODaNT sleeP. It Was nerely Morning.
Her mummy calleD it’s morning Mice oh no she siad.
Robot on a farm.
one apon a time On a farm a farmer boute ay RoBot. he set it for feeding his anamals. his robot feD his anials the wrong fooD
MY day as a clock (my personal favourite)
I am Big Ben in LonDon.
yestarDay this is wat What haPenned.
I WhOKe Up Heard Scared voises. Oh no siaD one. Are you sure the dragon is Coming today?
noW you See a dragon com every year.
verry suddeny there Was a rum
mble He’s comeing SiaD the maeyre.
Who? SiaD somewone else
they all HiD.
the Dragon Was ShoceD Wen he got there. he went aWay Soon. Fuuuuuuw I SaiD. That was a shocking Day. the end.
My House in Fucher (My house in the future: I can only assume from the content of this that I was being realistic about what would happen if I tried to live in London on a budget)
I beleve my house will Be horrible in fuchere. With ROtton floor BoarDs. and Paint Peeling of the walles and spiDerS sluges and snaiLs crawling up the windows panes.
neW Planet (My first few years of formal education seem to have been heavily themed on space and aliens, which explains a lot about the stories I wrote later at primary school, as well as my leisure reading habits.)
the Space ShiP door slid oPen and We entered the new World. It was coverd as far as an eye could see. with blue glowing banana trees. The fruit lookeD so tenting. We just haD to eat it. as Soon as we had eaten it the world changed. 2 alien’s jumped out of a tuft of grass. What shall we do with out latezt prisoners siad one.
leave them here siad another yes siad the next.
We walked throu the jungle till we found a Clearing. in the center was a chair.
I walked towareds it.
but the others stoPPed me. then we saw the space ship and went home.
Meting an alien
one day Me Mummy Daddy and Duncan Went for a Holiday in France. We Went for a walk in a Wheat fIeld. I Saw an alien that loocked like the Picture above the word we (in this edition it is to the left of the word we.)
It siad can I come With you yes I siad. It siad your mummy and daddy and other adualts cant see me. that Night the alien slePt in my bed. it kePt me awake until 8oclock and let me read. in the morning he ate all the food I had to eat but didant like. he went to shcool with me and did all my Work and kept remind me Wat it was. at home he gave me a Presant of a book wich would Never stoP beinG intresting. but onece he had gaVe the book to me he had to go to his real planet Mercurry.
A prayer (I think we should all keep this beautiful piece of philosophy close to our hearts.)
Thank you for our friendS and family.
Help us not to fall out with them. help us not to be angry with our friends For making mistakes.
That’s it for now; let me know if you particularly enjoyed the childhood ramblings and I can try to dig out some more. Or let me know if you hated them and never want to see any more. Next week, all being well, there should finally be a post on the flaws of Oxford.